life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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