when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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