both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
