If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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