Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
