So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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