Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
