Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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