can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
