Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
