i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
