if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
