So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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