I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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