He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dear god my vagina.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
