whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
