i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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