Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
