You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
