The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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