I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
