Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
