God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
