I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
