I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
