I think I won the penis lottery.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
