Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
