I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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