You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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