he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
