I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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