I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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