I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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