I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
