guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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