Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
