dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
