i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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