haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
