never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
