Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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