My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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