So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
