Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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