Barsexuality is the new black.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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