She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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