My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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