mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
