He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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