guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
