Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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