Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
